Great Expectations

"We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got [sic] to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives." - Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy

In the past few weeks I've been having an existential crisis. Okay, maybe it's not quite that dramatic, but it's seems like a big deal now, in the present, especially during the moments of my day where I'm not fully engaged, like when I'm watching a movie or trying to fall asleep at night. Until recently, I had a plan - a darn good one at that. I had my life mapped out for the next year, a five year plan and a goal for where I'd be in 10 years.

But then, that plan changed. Overnight. I won't go into the details but a string of unrelated events occured and I realized that circumstances were now different. I had expectations that my life would play out just so, I was going to be in control and it was all up to me. I discovered though that this great plan I had laid out for myself, carefully designing it to be what I wanted, wasn't something I made to be in control of. I had systematically "planned" to not be in control.

The point is, I learned something new about myself and the way I think: my whole life I have followed "the rules." I have always had a "next step." I went to high school, I made great grades, I had a job, an internship and was a cheerleader. Then I went to college where I picked a competitive major, joined a sorority, rocked my internships, assumed a leadership position in a campus organization related to my field of study and always made the Dean's List. But here's where it gets tricky - what do I do now? There isn't a logical "next step" for me now. I could start a job, I could get my master's degree or I could stay in school for a full four years of college. I could live in Tallahassee, where I've called home for eight years, or I could move anywhere in the world. That's a lot of power for a 20-something (okay fine, I'm trying to sound worldly, I barely make the cut at 20).

These are big choices and to be honest, I'm afraid of what they mean. I've never lived more than a 30 minute drive from home. I've never left my bestfriends. I've never lived in an apartment and I've never lived on my own. I've never had to make all my own meals or clean my own place by myself (living in a sorority house is a spoiled life). I've never tried to go it alone. I feel like I'm on the edge of the bird's next and I'm getting ready to jump for the first time.

It's a scary, scary thought, but each day I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of letting go of those expectations. It's not something that's going to go away easily, after all I did invest a lot of "me" into those plans and goals, but I'm starting to get a little excited to turn all of those I've never's into I have's.

So re-evaluate your expectations, because it's the unexpected that changes our lives. And remember, God has a plan: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11